My Son, the Ladies' Man

By Bull Garlington

Shared by Mae
I’m not a handsome man — not traditionally, not in that “oh, look, that man is God’s gift to my vision” way. In the movie of my life, I’d be played by a Charles Bronson impersonator. So it was a real surprise when I took junior for a stroll and found myself surrounded by women.

I had my kid strapped on like a sack of potatoes and as I walked into the park, every woman in the joint walked up to me and smiled. Then they reached out and grabbed my child.

Naturally I assumed they were trying to wrestle him away to give him to a more handsome father, but I was wrong.

They just thought he was adorable.

So, I’m standing there in the park with hair that looks like I was attacked by an angry squirrel, a shirt with a perfect map of my last three meals splattered down the front, and crocs.

Orange crocs.

And it didn’t matter. My son was some kind of cute laser. All he had to do was point his eyes at the nearest lady and she’d be drawn by an uncontrollable urge to reach out and grab his apple cheeks.

I had a similar experience when I got my dog, Ty. Ty is a classic border collie with serious charm and, when he was a puppy, he was like a gravity well for women at the park.

But still, I was shocked. As a new father, and – as I mentioned – someone who isn’t completely used to attention from the opposite sex, I was caught off guard.

My son, like Ty, had that gravitational pull. Women of all ages came up to me and asked for his name and how old he was and would melt when they saw his adorable, gummy smile. And can you blame them? My kid’s cute. And you’d have to have a heart of stone if you didn’t melt even a little after encountering a giggly newborn.

Is this something I’ll get used to? Probably not. But it’s a pretty good feeling to know that my son – unlike his daddy – is a complete ladies’ man. And it’s not like he doesn’t enjoy it. He loves the attention and I’m sure will continue to until, of course, he realizes girls have “cooties.”

Christopher "Bull" Garlington is a syndicated humor columnist and co-author of the popular foodie compendium, The Beat Cop’s Guide to Chicago Eats. He is the writer behind the infamous parenting blog “Death by Children,” and won the 2012 Silver Award for best humor column from Parenting Media Association.

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