I have never met a parent who hasn't cringed at the thought of telling their children mom and dad are going to be divorced. Let me show you a way to explain divorce to your children by drawing pictures. I have found that using pictures is very effective in helping children understand what divorce means, and use this approach all the time in my practice. It works best for children between ages 3 and 10.

First, find a piece of plain paper, larger than a standard pad. Second, locate a magic marker. Choose a friendly color such as blue or green. Third, draw a house at the top of the page (I suggest you center your drawing). You don't have to be an artist; just sketch a square box with a triangle on top for the roof, and maybe add a window and a door. Draw stick figures inside the house to represent dad, mom and the children.

When it is time for you to explain divorce to your young children, you will do this right in front of them so it's best to practice making these drawings and their explanations. You might say something like, 'I want to show you something. I'm going to draw some pictures and I want you to watch.' Then draw the house with the stick figures. Once you draw the house, which represents the way the family is today, you say to the children, 'Now watch what I do.' As they watch, you draw a house on the left side of the page and another house on the right side of the page. So now you have a page with three houses: one at the top of the page in the center, and two houses below to the right and to the left.

Then you explain by saying something like, 'Dad and I (or Mom and I ) have decided to live in two houses.' Then draw a stick figure of dad in the left house and a stick figure of mom in the right house. You continue to explain, "This is Dad's house and this is Mom's house,' and as you do this, you add the children to mom's house. You tell the children, 'Mom and Dad have tried very, very hard but just can't get along, so we have decided to live apart.' Then draw a line from mom's house to dad's house and another line from dad's house to mom's house and say something like, 'You kids will be going to Dad's house to be with Dad and you will be coming to Mom's house to be with Mom. We will still be a family, but we will be a different kind of family.'

Now, let me explain why I placed the children in mom's house. Every divorce is different but in most divorces, it is usually dad who leaves the home and it is mom who usually has the children with her most of the time. Today, with both parents working, parents often have to plan their time with the children around their work schedules. In a way, this is a good thing because it forces parents to share their children more equally rather than to try to steal them away from the other parent. And children do best in a divorced family when they can still be close to each parent.

Feel free to improvise on your explanation, but be careful not to blame either parent even though one parent may be more at fault than the other. It is best at this level for the children to know that you both have tried to make things work. Absolutely avoid giving specific details like mom had an affair or dad has a girlfriend because this is adult stuff and not for children. Information like this can only confuse and hurt your children, and they are too young to handle it. Keep in mind that, although your goal is to divorce your spouse, you don't want your children to divorce one of their parents. Kids can survive divorce as long as parents do not put them in the middle or encourage them to take sides.

Once you have completed the drawings and the explanation, answer your children's questions. Follow up by reading stories to your children about families that have divorced. Book stores have many picture storybooks on divorce today that will help your children to more fully comprehend what divorce means, how it will affect them, and how tons of children have parents in two different homes. You might also want to read for yourself, 'Mom's House, Dad's House: How Parents Can Make Two Homes for Their Children After Divorce' by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D.

Finally, I strongly recommend you consult a family therapist on how best to help your children cope with the divorce and adjust to their new life. More and more families are asking for this kind of help in order to minimize the risk of their children being emotionally damaged by divorce. Divorce is an opportunity to create a better life, and it can be if the parents put the needs of their children first.