Q:
My husband, my 11-month-old daughter and I are temporarily living with my parents. My mother watches my daughter while we work.
The three of us have different ideas on how my daughter should behave. When it comes to a temper tantrum, I don't think I should rush to pick her up because she can't have her favorite toy. My mother, however, lets her have her way and do whatever she wants. How can we come to a happy medium with fewer arguments between the parents and the grandparents?
A:
There is no better way to confuse a child and end up with a lot of bratty behavior than to surround a youngster with three adults who cannot agree on how to handle her.
First, you and your husband need to get on the same page regarding your daughter.
Second, you must remember she is still a baby and that temper tantrums are very common. It is reasonable to make an attempt to distract a child starting to have a tantrum, but if that fails, it is best to ignore it until it's over.
Once you and your husband can agree on how to manage your daughter, then I suggest you have a nice talk with your mother. Explain that if you continue to give in to her during a tantrum, you will only teach her that tantrums work and she will have them all the time.
Grandparents by nature indulge their grandchildren. They do things with their grandchildren they never would have done with their own children. That is why I recommend you and your husband find your own place to live and stop relying on your mother to raise your baby.
If you can't and grandma won't change, then you will have to look at the positive side of this situation: your daughter lives with a loving relative during the day rather than a stranger in some day care center, and is being well cared for in a home where there also is a grandfather. If you have to work and you can't be a full-time mom, then you have to look for the best compromises.
Kenneth N. Condrell Ph.D Child Psychologist
