Q:
I have two grandsons, both 9 months, who are like night and day.
I would like to suggest to the parents of one—without offending them—that they are doing their child a major injustice. He, even at this age, is in control. He whines and cries and they respond. They are both exhausted and close to depression.
I have tried to gently advise them, but they, as parents, know best. My concern is for me as a grandparent; he's not a pleasure to be around when he behaves like this. I love him dearly, but do not enjoy him because he constantly cries and whines. How can I present this to them so they will understand?
Yes, I am guilty of comparing him with my other grandson, who I just can't spend enough time with because he's so sweet and well behaved. I feel horrible about this, and have discussed this with my husband because I feel so guilty. He says he understands, and he has a very hard time tolerating it as well. Please help.
A:
As a devoted grandmother, I can sympathize with your problem.
However, I can't say I agree with your appraisal of the situation. I think you and the baby's parents have to get on the same side, not opposite sides, of the situation. At a relaxed time, when the baby is asleep, discuss the situation with the parents and indicate that you know how frustrating it must be for them to have their son cry and whine so much. (You can be sure that they have noticed that his cousin doesn't cry all the time—and they're probably worried about the inevitability of favoritism on your part.)
Center the discussion around why the baby cries and whines all the time, not their way of handling it. Bring up the possibility that there is a medical cause that has not been identified. Certainly teething could be a factor. Discuss strategies that have not been tried—like letting him cry it out occasionally, how long they should let him cry before intervening, and clever ways of distracting him, etc.
Finally, I have to take their side a bit. It has been found that children who are picked up and held when they cry during the first year of life (especially the first six months) cry less rather than more later on …so stay tuned.
Dr. Bettye M. Caldwell Ph.D. Professor of Pediatrics in Child Development and Education
