Q:
We are the legal guardians of our 25-month-old grandson, who we have been raising since he was 6 months old. I'm concerned for his emotional well-being when it comes to visits with his mother, our daughter.
She comes over a couple times a month for about an hour . When she leaves, he cries a lot. We comfort him, but we're concerned about the damage the visits might be causing. He calls her "mama" and seems to have an emotional connection to her. Parenting him is not an option for her as she has a substance abuse problem. Please give us your advice on what's best for him.
A:
Chris, you probably know that your situation is not unique. Millions of grandparents are raising their grandchildren these days because these kids' parents are incompetent. So often the parents' problem is substance abuse.
The fact that your daughter comes over so infrequently clearly shows she's not truly invested in being a mom or being a part of her own son's life. Small children perceive these short, infrequent visits as rejection and abandonment. In a way, your daughter is teasing her own son by appearing and disappearing. And parents who behave like this are hurting their children.
Your daughter needs to be told that this kind of parenting is unacceptable. I recommend that you give her two options: she can either see her son on a regular, frequent schedule, or she cannot see him at all. You can explain to your daughter that she can see her son when she has grown up and solved her problems with drugs. I truly hope your daughter gets help—for your sake, her sake and her son's.
Kenneth N. Condrell Ph.D Child Psychologist
