If members of your family are experiencing difficulties with one another, a new baby can bring a family together in peace. And you, the grandmother, can be the facilitator. You don't have to negotiate a truce; simply ignore the strained communications and start a peaceful new era. A grandchild gives relatives something in common: someone new has their blood. Let your enthusiasm for the new baby draw the family close.

Extended Family

Send birth announcements! If the proud parents are spreading the news, put your order in for a dozen additional cards and remind them to get thank-you notes, as well. Offer to do the family announcements, or to help with all the addresses. Some mothers like to write all the cards alone as a rite of passage — it makes a personal situation real in terms of the outside world. Other parents will be so overwhelmed — especially with the first child — that they'll welcome your help. It doesn't matter who pays for the postage or where the postmarks are stamped, this is a fun way to be helpful.

On a Sunday, soon after the announcements are mailed, get out your phone book. People will be relaxed at the end of a weekend — and the phone rates will be low. Feel free to call cousins you haven't heard from in years. No one can cast doubt on the excitement of a grandmother — no matter how many grandchildren you have. Every grandchild is special and worthy of celebration. Mention how the baby's chin reminds you of them. Offer to send a photograph. Ask for phone numbers and addresses of others — for more announcements or for your Christmas card list. Even remote relatives are bound to feel more connected. Once you are in touch, you decide whether to stay in touch. At least, make the first effort. Maybe one day soon they'll call you.

In-Laws and Outlaws

Now is a good time to get to know your married children's in-laws. You are bound to be thrown together on family occasions from here on out — why not get to know each other first? Holidays are stressful times even when relationships are smooth; you can make them go that much smoother by eliminating the additional challenge of getting along with the in-laws. Relatives are given, not chosen, and in this case the only thing you may have in common is your children. Inviting them for coffee or a commemorative glass of champagne will initiate a new relationship that may offer you things you never would have imagined. At least make the effort. If the get-together doesn't work out so well, maybe it's because they are shy or afraid. Maybe they just need more time. What do you have to lose? Nothing. On the contrary, you'll have gained the edge for those grandchildren's birthday parties. You'll be able to smile more easily knowing that after all, you tried.

Competition is healthy in many arenas, but the family is not one of them. Avoid forcing your children to choose between your house and the in-laws' house for Thanksgiving. Offer an alternative holiday — or ask if you can join them. When you have many family members to consider, it helps to plan ahead.

Competing over grandchildren can get nasty. The fact that your in-laws bought the playhouse doesn't mean you have to splurge for a swing set. This is not a contest for the affection of your grandchildren. Go along with the program. Buy a child-sized chair for the playhouse. How about a plastic phone or rake? Children don't keep score. Often, little ones enjoy playing with the boxes more than the gifts. You may find that a simple jump rope will turn out to be the favored toy — despite the expense of more extravagant gifts. The only element that will truly make a difference to the grandchildren is the time you spend with them. This, however, is not a competition. It's a joy!

Daughters and Sons

If your daughter has a child you are lucky, indeed. Regardless of your previous relationship, a door has opened between you. Now she can understand where you are coming from — or at least where you started. Now you are the undeniable expert. It's the ideal opportunity to become friends. Mothers and daughters classically have their highs and lows. You and your daughter have not only motherhood in common; you both want what's best for the children.

If your son has a child, you also have an opportunity to grow more close to him. He'll probably appreciate you more now that he knows what you went through for him. Take advantage!

Whether it's your daughter or son who gives you a grandchild, shower that baby with all the love and affection you have to offer. Don't wait for your son's or daughter's invitation for anything — except advice. Just because you decked out your child in fancy clothes doesn't mean they are appropriate for your grandchild — even baby fashions change. Keep your relationship alive by being clear with your children about visiting hours. The rest is easy.

No one can resist another person who loves their baby. Your child will be able to see you from a whole new perspective. He or she will enjoy the view ... and you will gain easy access to your grandchild.

Sons-in-Law

Fathers have become a luxury item in our society. If you have a son-in-law, especially one who lives with your grandchildren, count your blessings. He is very important to your grandchildren's well-being. If he is gone, you are likely to become his replacement. It's best for the children to have you both. Make friends ... it's easier than you think. If your daughter is like you in any respect, then he will automatically relate to that part of you. If she is like his mother, then you must be a bit like his mother, as well. If you can't put your finger on anything remotely similar between the three of you, relax. Perhaps you have some history in common. Perhaps you share a bit of geography. It could be that you have a mutual interest in some hobby.

The least common denominator in your relationship with your son-in-law is also the greatest: the grandchildren. No matter what aggravation may arise between you, the relationship will forge ahead because you are both crazy about the children. If your son-in-law happens to be one of those unusual fathers who has trouble relating to, or truly appreciating, young children, you can help. Get him involved by asking where those cute ears came from. Request to see his baby pictures. Asking a man about himself is the closest thing to outright flattery. You can't make it any easier for him to like you than when you compare the baby's spunky character or twinkling eyes to the father's. You don't have to be equals to be friends with your son-in-law. You did give birth to the woman he loves, after all. Without you, his little bundle of joy wouldn't be here. Give your son-in-law the chance to treat you with respect; let him know how you expect to be treated by acting in a manner that deserves respect.

Let your presence in your son-in-law's life be a positive one. Send him birthday cards. Have one of his favorite foods on hand when he visits. (My mother usually stocks up on pistachio ice cream.) Be patient. Your daughter can help, but only you can make this relationship work.

Daughters-in-Law

She wants to love you! She may not know it, but loving you would make her life so much easier — and a lot more fun. As the grandmother, you have a lot of power. Use it to empower your daughter-in-law and she will be grateful.

Your goal is to be the consummate grandmother. Never lose sight of this objective, which relies a great deal on your relationship with this woman. You don't have to be crazy about your daughter-in-law, but give her the benefit of the doubt. Watch her with your son and your grandchild. You might come to like her a lot, or even realize that you're more alike than different. More than anything else, you love the same man and his baby.

The easiest way to get your daughter-in-law to like you is to let her know you are on her team — working partners in your family's life. If you can, take her to lunch while she's pregnant or for her first time out with the baby. Tell her you are on her side — then follow through and help make life easier for her.

Let your daughter-in-law set the pace. If she doesn't know you very well, let her see how you respond to her beloved baby. Show her how much you love that little tyke. Even if you raised four children, ask her opinion about which baby bonnet she would prefer you to buy. Bring her a frozen casserole so she doesn't have to cook. Offer to watch the baby while she takes a nap or gets her hair cut. Rent a video or take a class in CPR to assure her that you care enough to be a safe babysitter. Most importantly, let her know that you would love to help, within reason.

If she doesn't want your assistance, give her some space. Offer it for another time. Her reserved demeanor doesn't mean she's a snob or she doesn't like you. It probably means she is shy or nervous about not knowing how to please you. Maybe she imagines that you are hovering close, watching to see if she's a good mother. That's enough to make anyone insecure, self-conscious, and clumsy. Who knows what your husband told her about you? Possibly very little. Tell her about yourself. Tell her about your son and what it was like being his mother. Describing what her baby's father was like as a baby is a sure icebreaker.

Since you value this relationship, you're easy to take advantage of. If she asks too much of you, gently tell her you're not available. Set limits. You'll both be much happier if you know exactly where you stand. Let it be a two-way street. Encourage your daughter-in-law to kick you out when you've overstayed your welcome. Phrase your suggestion in a way that seems polite: ask her to let you know when she wants some privacy. If you are at your daughter-in-law's house and notice she's getting irritable, suggest that you should be going. Make up some errand. If she is reluctant, maybe what she really needs is a 10-minute nap. If she doesn't respond, skedaddle. Wouldn't you rather be gone than resented? That baby has a lot of birthdays coming up — you want to be invited!