For Grandparents
The “D” word is everywhere. Today’s young adults are the first generation that are as likely to have been raised in broken homes as not. You can try to explain the infinite advantages of commitment and the immeasurable tragedies of divorce. You can offer your own experience as an example. You can even suggest counseling. Once you’ve contributed this sage advice, step back and stay out of it.
Should this marriage be worked out? Should it be ended? It affects you, your child, and your grandchildren. It is entirely your business ... yet it is none of your business. Even though a divorce is public, it is deeply personal. Resist the temptation. Be supportive, but do not get involved. There is too much private history you don’t know and too many intimate details that you will never know. Logic rarely prevails over emotions. Your interference will make you an enemy in both camps.
Worst of all, divorce can make sustaining a close relationship with your grandchildren difficult. Don’t give up! Those kids need you now more than ever. Regardless of how many of their friends’ parents are divorced or how well they seem to be taking it, the pain is there and it will manifest itself someday.
Here are the golden rules:
During the process of separation and divorce, volunteer to join the couple in a child-oriented counseling session with a family therapist. Ask how you can help during this period of transition. Plan a visit around this important event in your family’s life. If you cannot, feel free to contact a local family therapist and explore these issues on your own. Focus on how you can be involved with the children in a positive manner.
If you are on good terms with both parents, have a talk with the one getting custody about your future with the children. If your child will not get custody, take the spouse to lunch or have a heart-to-heart on the telephone about your wish to remain in the child’s life. Stress how much you love your grandchildren and how important your love is for them. If you are not on wonderful terms with the spouse, request that you be included in the custody agreement with visitation rights that are in “the best interest of” the children. If necessary, call both attorneys directly to discuss this important matter. Try not to get roped into exact schedules — you are more likely to enjoy a full relationship with the children on a more relaxed timetable. But it does pay to plan ahead; don’t assume you will be free to see them.
No matter who wins custody, you cannot lose. The grandchildren are yours. Another wedding doesn’t change this a bit — it just blesses the children with additional grandparents. They deserve all the love they can get. If you are the “outside” grandparent, don’t forget that those grandchildren are your blood and you have every right to see them. Help them feel comfortable in the new situation by being a consistent presence. Please don’t reject them if your child loses custody and “strangers” now raise them. The grandchildren will feel abandoned by you. Who is being punished here? The children are innocent. So are you.
The remarriage of a parent is overwhelming. Often it means a new house, a new school, and new siblings. New grandparents could tip the bucket. If you have just become the proud new grandparent of your child’s new stepchildren, be sensitive to normal feelings of denial that you are, in fact, their grandparent. Be gentle. Treat them the same as your real grandchildren. Odds are you’ll have time alone with the original ones when the new ones go visit their grandparents.
Draw your new grandchildren into your traditional activities and create new ones that involve them — whether it’s playing checkers or videotaping T-ball practice. Speak to their parents about any problems that may arise. Eventually, the children will settle into a comfortable relationship with you. Then they’ll agree that when it comes to grandparents, the more the merrier.
Don’t be afraid of the new stepparent. Your grandchildren are likely to be scared enough for everyone. Your respect for a new stepparent will allow him or her to appreciate you. After all, you are helping them out by spending time with the children and making them happy.
If possible, see the children away from the custodial parent’s influence. Even if your son or daughter has custody, let them know that you are not just part of that package. You are a big part of your grandchildren’s heritage, all by yourself. Take the grandchildren out. Invite them to visit your home, even if it means that you must pick them up and bring them there. The fact that your son or daughter does not have custody doesn’t mean he or she must share their sacred visitation period with you. Have your own special time.
When your child is raising your grandchildren single-handedly, your role is even more vital. As four out of five grandmothers agree, “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” In other words, if you’re helpful and nice, you’ll be a bigger influence than if you’re demanding and critical. This holds especially true when dealing with family. Family members are far more sensitive and vulnerable than strangers. After all, you know intimate details of their lives; you’re connected forever, whether they like it or not; and you’re stepping on their home turf. There may be plenty of pitfalls in his or her methods. Try not to be critical or judgmental. Instead, join in and help.
Studies prove a strong grandmother can serve as a substitute for an absent father. Single women can certainly raise children to be productive and responsible members of society. A partner, however, can reduce the amount of everyday pressure while doubling the amount of available energy. This is where you fit in. You can be a lifesaver — plus, you have all your experience and wisdom to offer.
The only difference between interference and help is an invitation. Ask how you can help and if you can make some suggestions. Try framing your inquiries with “I” statements. Instead of “You’re doing that all wrong,” try “I know a way that might be easier.” Instead of “You should let me do that,” try “I’d really enjoy doing that.” When you phrase your statements more gently and positively, you avoid making any undue assumptions or accusations toward the other person. Actually, “I” statements are useful tools in everyday communication because they offer an ideal way for people to work together without stepping on each other’s toes.
If your son is the sole parent, a grandmother can be a surrogate mom. Of course, everything is easier if you live nearby. Then you can help with the traditional chores of cooking, shopping, and so forth. Your real value, however, is far more important. While a housekeeper can provide feminine support, her love is not guaranteed. Children need your nurturing. Even if Daddy’s girlfriend is playing “Mommy,” the children need consistent emotional support.
Consider yourself a security blanket — a perfectly soft, warm cotton blanket that your grandchildren snuggle in. You will always be soft; you will always be warm; and you will always be there. You can even be a security blanket for your son.
Our parenting advice is given as suggestions only. We recommend you also consult your healthcare provider, and urge you to contact them immediately if your question is urgent or about a medical condition.