Years ago, a group of pediatricians was asked to listen to audiotapes of babies crying and try to determine what the different cries meant. Guess what? The physicians were unable to figure out what the babies wanted or needed. Nevertheless, mothers expect that they should know, and they often feel inadequate if they can’t understand what their baby’s cries are trying to communicate.

A newborn baby’s cry varies mostly only in volume. Until they’re about 2 to 3 months old, they have little control over its pitch or tone. As you might expect, the bigger the baby, the louder the cry. Preemies have a very quiet cry. They literally don’t have the strength to generate much volume.

Parents need to know that not every sound a baby makes is provoked by distress. Your baby is learning that she has a voice, and she needs to exercise it. When babies cry, it’s for a variety of reasons, but it’s always an expression of need. They can be hungry, tired, wet, sick, uncomfortable, frightened or lonely. A common mistake parents make is to assume that every time their baby cries, she must be hungry. Some babies stop crying when they see an adult smile, or when they’re picked up and held close. Feeling your touch, smelling your perfume, hearing you sing, listening to you wind up her mobile—all can quiet a crying baby.

A baby who isn’t attended to when she cries just cries more, not less. Research indicates that babies who cry and are picked up cry on average less than babies who are left to cry. But you don’t want to rush to your baby the second she cries. Wait a moment or two; often a baby will stop crying on her own. When your baby is about 3 months old, you can set small limits. At that age, you can say, “Don’t worry—I will be there in a minute.”

When you do pick up your baby, always talk to her. The sooner you use language, the sooner you are coupling the feeling of comfort with the sound of comfort. Babies learn self-control by experiencing small doses of frustration. The goal of this particular lesson is to teach your baby to increase the length of time she can go without you. Soon she discovers she can soothe herself for a short while by sucking on or just looking at her fingers, by puckering up her lips and closing her eyes or by gazing at a nearby pattern.

In fact, many babies just need something to suck, which is why babies find their fingers. Sucking just isn’t for nutrition. It fills neurological and psychological needs as well. Sonograms often show a baby sucking her thumb in utero. It’s part of a natural process of growth and change.

There’s a lot of trial and error in figuring out how to comfort a crying baby. Parents should always go through a mental checklist. If he has been recently fed, doesn’t want to suck and his diaper isn’t wet, consider that your baby might just want to be held and cuddled. A baby who is being held and is still crying may be gassy. Try jiggling the baby, or rocking him back and forth in his stroller over a doorsill. If you hear rumbling or grumbling noises in his belly, put the baby in motion. Infant seats, swings and slings are helpful in this regard. Parents are often ingenious at finding soothing vibrations. Some parents put their babies in an infant seat near a running washing machine. Others keep a vacuum cleaner running. Some babies will calm at just the recorded sound of a vacuum cleaner. No one knows why this works, but it’s worth a try.

Parents develop their own ways of calming their baby, often by singing to him or dancing with him. Some babies are soothed by repetitive sounds, like ocean waves. Other parents play relaxation tapes or lullabies. If your baby is moody, try a change of atmosphere. He could be bothered by bright light, odors or noise. Or maybe he’s just plain bored.

If you’re still stuck, turn to a parenting book for further advice. And don’t forget to ask other mothers. Sometimes you pick up the best tips by to talking to those who have gone before you.