Every parent is familiar with the concept of sibling rivalry. But most don’t know how to identify sibling abuse—or even what it is. To clarify, sibling abuse refers to the consistent bullying and mistreatment of a child, usually by an older sibling.

Not sure where the line is drawn between sibling rivalry and sibling abuse? The child who is the abuser:

• Has little or no love for the younger sibling
• Resents the presence of the child he victimizes
• Doesn’t miss a chance to humiliate, demean, or hurt his sibling
• Continues to reject his sibling well into adulthood.

In my practice I have often listened to parents write off this incredible nastiness as “kids being kids.” Most parents don’t realize how damaging sibling abuse can be. Sibling abuse can have long-lasting effects. Throughout their lives victimized siblings may suffer from profound feelings of inferiority, depression and anxiety disorders, alcohol and drug addiction, eating disorders, social withdrawal and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

To state the problem simply, sibling abuse can ruin not only a victim’s childhood, but his adulthood as well. Listen to what one adult had to say about the abuse he experienced.

“My brother was three years older than me. I used to live in fear of him. When I heard his steps, I used to hide. He constantly punched and kicked me and called me names. My parents would tell him to stop and tell me he really loved me. Growing up in that house was hell.”

I have found that children and teens victimized by a sibling frequently describe themselves in the following ways:

• “I’m just a loser.”
• “Everyone is better than me.”
• “I’m nobody.”
• “I feel I’m ugly and stupid.”
• “I can’t do anything right.”
• “I really hate myself.”

How can parents determine whether one of their children is being victimized by a sibling?

Here are key questions to ask.

• Does my child say that he hates himself or hates his life?
• Does my child have physical injuries that may take days to heal or require medical attention?
• Does my child avoid his sibling?
• Is my child submissive to his sibling?
• Is my child afraid of his sibling?
• Is my child relentlessly insulted and called degrading names by his sibling?

If you answer yes to at least three of these questions, check to see if the following behavior patterns are evident in your family.

• The aggressive sibling shows little to no affection for the sibling he picks on.
• The aggressive sibling shows no guilt or concern for how nasty he is to that sibling.
• The victimized child often asks you why the aggressive sibling hates him.
• The victimized child craves the approval and affection of the aggressive sibling but is almost always rejected and ridiculed.

If two of these behavior patterns are evident in your family, and you have answered yes to at least three of the previous questions, it may well be that sibling abuse is taking place.

Every parents needs to be vigilant to this possibility. If sibling abuse does exist, the next step is for parents to consult a child psychologist for help. Sibling abuse is a serious family problem that requires professional help.