Parents know all too well that dinner-time can easily turn into one big power struggle. It's usually sparked by one or two children who are the finicky eaters of the family, and then compounded by well-intentioned parents who feel it is their job to make sure their children eat.

Where does this notion come from that it is up to mom and dad to make sure their children eat? I believe it comes from our training as parents during infancy: it is during this critical time that good, responsible parents anticipate when their baby is hungry; they decide what the baby should eat; and, they make sure the baby takes in as much as possible to insure healthy growth. This early training, however, sets the stage for considerable difficulty when children are older and parents continue to dominate mealtimes.

Let's look at a few common situations that set the stage for difficult mealtimes:

• Many parents have a rule that children don't leave the table until they've cleaned their plates. This rule usually ends up in a confrontation in which the parents vacillate between begging their finicky child to eat, and threatening him if he doesn't. The finicky eater, on the other hand, stubbornly holds fast more often than not.
• To distract his parents and make matters worse, the finicky eater plays with his food, or picks a fight with a brother or sister sitting close by, or spills something onto the floor, or just teasingly places a tiny piece of food near his lips.
• And not to be forgotten, of course, is the guilt switch these little people like to pull: 'You never make what I like,' he complains. 'I hate this!' she shouts.

What's a parent to do? Well first, let's get your priorities in order. It is not your responsibility to make your children eat—just as you cannot make your children sleep, you cannot make them chew and swallow. You can set the stage for them to sleep, and you can arrange their mealtimes, but you can't make them eat. And even if you could, this would not be good parenting because you would not be helping your children take responsibility for themselves.

Lots of parents give in to their finicky eaters—and continue, meal after meal, to do what doesn't work—for lots of different reasons:

• Parents often feel sorry for their finicky eater.
• Parents worry their child will suffer if he doesn't have a meal.
• Parents feel guilty and that they are not being good parents when they ignore their child's complaints of being hungry.

You need to realize that when parents suffer because their children behave poorly, children never change their behavior. However, when children experience a consequence they don't like—one that makes them feel uncomfortable, they will change their behavior. So if you are sick and tired of experiencing awful mealtimes, now may be just the time to try a new approach:

• First, make sure your finicky eater does not have access to lots of snacks before mealtime. You want him to be hungry at the appropriate time, so either do not have snacks in the house, or hide them.
• Second, you need to have the rule that everyone is expected to sit at the table together for dinner-time. Dinner will last for a specific amount of time for the children. If your children cannot tell time, then set an alarm or kitchen timer; dinner is over for the children when the timer rings.
• Third, try to serve each child's favorite food at least once every week. Remember, though, it is impossible to have favorites every night. On those occasions when the favorite food is not available for a youngster, encourage that child to make the best of what is on the table. 'I'm not going to eat,' your child shouts! 'That's okay,' you explain, 'but you will stay at the dinner table until the timer rings.'
• Fourth, emphasize that the rule in your house says there are no make-up meals later on, after dinner-time is over, and that dessert is a part of dinner. To further explain what your child can expect, state clearly in a firm voice: 'It's up to you to eat, but remember there will be no bowl of cereal later on, or no grilled cheese sandwich. And if you don't eat your dinner, you won't get dessert.' This recitation of the family rule will not have any effect on your finicky eater at first. He simply won't believe you, so be prepared for a confrontation. But when the timer goes off, declare that dinner is over and pick up the children's plates. At this time, I guarantee your finicky eater will put on a dramatic display of being hungry and accuse you of depriving him of food—expect to hear, 'I'm not finished and I'm hungry!'
• Your response to this is my fifth step: 'You've had enough time to eat your dinner and to pick and choose from what is on the table, but you chose not to eat your dinner.' And when your child says, 'But I'm hungry,' simply state, 'Well, from now on, you'll need to remember the family rule and eat before mealtime is over.'

Many parents have a lot of trouble with this approach—it seems they would rather suffer through miserable meals than set limits and have one or two temperamental reactions to a new rule. But many other parents have found this approach helpful for children 5 years and older. And these parents, who have the courage to confront their children and stick to what they have said, are often amazed at the transformation that takes place. Chances are high that with this approach, your finicky eater will:

• Stop dominating dinner-time.
• Learn that he can't manipulate the family.
• Find out that if he doesn't feed himself, he can expect the natural consequence of being hungry for the rest of the evening.